Investing time in our kids now will change their whole world

We try to be intentional about spending 1:1 time with each of our three kiddos. Special dates with Mama and Dada.

Because it doesn’t cost much to make a kid’s day.

To focus your sole attention on their little eyes, listen with your whole brain to the vast worlds inside theirs.

Maybe while some ice cream dribbles down their chin, and markers smudge their fingers.

They giggle and smile and whisper, “this is so fun, right Mama?”

They stand a little taller as they march to the car, asking to push the cart since big sis and little brother aren’t there to squabble for attention. They smirk a little while saying, “I wonder what dada is doing with them at home while we have all the fun.”

Schedules might get disrupted a bit to make that special time. Bedtime starting a little later, making your adult time that night a little shorter. But really, what a small cost to pay.

To remind your baby they are worthy of your time, deserving of your attention, and the object of your love. Just for being them. Just for being yours.

It doesn’t cost much to make a kid’s day.

But it makes all the difference in the world.

And those babies of ours, they are worth it. Oh goodness, are they worth it.

It’s the little moments that bring big feels as a Mama.

You never know what’s going to get you as a parent. What’s going to hit you right in the feels. There are the things you expect – their first birthday, when they can say “I love you,” first day of daycare or school, etc. These things you expect and can sort of prepare for, but those random things? Those weird things that just happen and all of a sudden you are tearing up at a stop light on a Friday morning on the routine drive to daycare? You can’t prepare your heart for those things.

This past week, my baby boy started singing along to the song I’ve been singing to him since he was born. And let me tell you, apparently that’s one of those things.

I heard his quiet little voice pipe up from his car seat behind me, “blues…dreams….sweet baby James”. I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw his little face was lit up with half a grin, like he understood this song was for him. Granted, it has his name in it, so it’s sort of a giveaway, but still. It was a shy little smile, like, “oh, mama’s been singing this song about me, to me.” He’s two, so I know the thoughts in his little brain aren’t that complex, but I still think he got it.

We made eye contact in the mirror and his smile widened as he said, “mo’! Mo’ sweet baby James?”

Of course, my boy. Always. Always more.

Maybe it was because there was this song playing on the CD that I’d been softly singing to him since that first night in the hospital, when he fit in Mama’s arms and instinctively knew they were his safe place. And now, he’s a toddler the size of a five year old, who tries his best to fit in Mama’s arms and has learned that they are still his safe place to run. Where there is always more room, more snuggles, more love. Always more.

Or perhaps, it was because it was so quiet with only him in the car because his older sisters were off on a “starting kindergarten and second grade” adventure with Daddy; making me realize this would be the commute the next couple of years. Just him and me on the way to daycare because my other two babies had outgrown yet another stage of childhood. My baby of babies, the last for my mama heart to plead for more memories, more snuggles, more time. Always more.

Probably, it was becuase I pictured, right there in the van, him and I dancing to Sweet Baby James at his wedding. Him towering over me in his man body, whispering in my ear as we slowly twirl, “More? More sweet baby James, mama?.”

I’ll look up into those dark brown eyes I’ve been drinking in for years and years and say, “Of course, my boy. Always. Always more, my sweet sweet baby James.”

Always and forever, more.

Stay close to me, my love.

Stay close, my love.

Right now it comes natural, as you totter and play. You take a few steps, then turn back around, checking that Mama hasn’t wandered away. So natural in fact, that sometimes I might say, “Can’t you ask someone else?” as you claw at my leg for the hundredth time today.

Stay close, my love.

When you start to drift just a little bit further and you no longer need Mama’s hand on your shoulder. You’ll climb and you’ll jump and you’ll get that much taller. While I’m watching on, my arms feeling just a bit colder.

Stay close, my love.

When you and your friends stay out late in the night, having gone to the game out under the lights. You’ll forget to call home to say it’s run late, and I’ll be pacing the floor trying not to worry with all of my might. The door will ease open and you’ll head up the stairs, anger melting away as I hear, “Love you Mom, Goodnight.”

Stay close, my love.

When you pack up your car and family of your own, waving out the window as you make your way home. Home to a place that is miles away, where the fastest way to reach you is to pick up the phone. I hope that you’ll call when you’re feeling alone, call your Mama for help, even once you are grown.

Stay close, my love.

No matter how tall you may get, or how far you go, Our hearts are connected, and I want you to know:

My love for you baby boy, will forever continue to grow.

Childbirth is the Magical Undoing

There is magic to be witnessed if you visit someone who has just given birth. A deep primal magic.

Indescribable power and strength marrying brokenness and unmatched vulnerability. It thickens the air, new mama drenched in the union. You can’t help but stare, in awe, at her. Sitting on a throne of bloody pads and swollen body parts, she is regal. She is breathtaking.

Animalistic energy sweats off her, adrenaline retreating to make way for the fiercer chemical etching new pathways in cortices that cannot be unmade.  Disheveled, in pain, exhausted – radiant. Beauty like nothing you’ve seen before.

She may resemble the person you had lunch with a few days prior, chatting excitedly about how she hopes her baby comes soon…but she is not the same. You feel it. She feels it. Something has shifted.

She has been undone.

And it is in the undoing that she’s become.

The unraveling of what and who she used to be, has spun a new being into existence. Nine months in the making, coming to a beautiful completion in the matter of hours.

The juxtaposing experiences of every muscle of the body being strained and pushed to their limits, intense pain, possibly even trauma, giving way to life and a new form of love impossible to describe.

Terrifying. Beautifully soul wrenching. Glorious. Sacred.

The every day event of giving birth is inexplicably miraculous. And the birth giver… that new Mama you are visiting?

She is pure magic.

A Mother’s love transcends time. You taught me that, Mama.

Hey, Mama.
 
Did your heart break a little when you read my latest post about the week I’d just had?
I picture you sitting there, phone in your hand, showing the screen to Dad.  Worry in your eyes as you say, “Oh no. The baby is sick and I think she’s stressed. Read this.” In fact, I know that’s what you did because Dad doesn’t get online by himself often, yet there was his name “liking” that post.  Checking on his girl who lives 1000 miles away.
 
When you sat on your couch, discussing if it was “too soon” to call, did you picture me as the woman I am? Thirty-one years old, with a job of 8 years, a mortgage, and three kids of my own? Or when you read my words illustrating the stress and challenges of the week, was it the chubby-cheeked five-year-old who asked you to hold her pine cone that day in the woods many years ago? Maybe it was her.  Maybe you read the words of your thirty-one-year-old daughter, but heard the voice of your baby.  They are one in the same to you, aren’t they, Mama?
 
Now that I have 3 babies of my own, I’m starting to understand.  Understand that the passage of time holds no authority when it comes to Mamas and their babies.
 
When my husband dances with the girls at night before bed, I can’t help but picture them as the gorgeous women I know they will be, in flowy white gowns, dancing with their Daddy at their wedding, or walking proudly across the stage to receive their degree, graduation gown billowing, looking for their Daddy in the audience.  Simultaneously, I notice how long my six-year old’s legs seem to be and remember the look on her daddy’s face when he held her for the very first time as a tiny bundle.  So, I just bet, when I danced with Dad ten years ago on my wedding day, James Taylor’s voice transported you and your misty eyes. Transported you right back to the nights where James sang and Dad twirled his girl around in his arms, her feet dangling high above the living room floor.
 
It’s weird right, Mama? I didn’t get it before. But now that I hold my eleven month-old son in my arms, tracing his soft cheeks with my finger, I feel panicked that somehow the insane newborn days are already gone.  All I did was blink, Mama. I promise, that’s all I did. But in between the open and close of my eyelids, I’m already seeing the tall, strong teen he’s going to be. I’m already watching him dominate on the basketball court in high school, feeling him wrap me in his strong man arms as I drop him off for college. Is this how it was for you too, Mama?  Is this how it is now?  Do you hold the juxtaposing realities in your mind and heart when you think of me – your baby girl all grown up, but also, that can’t be right because she was just an infant swaddled in your arms?
 
I think I know the answer.
 
I guess that’s motherhood, isn’t it, Mama. Seeing the past, present, and future threads of our babies all tangled up, no matter what stage they are in. And we try to be the time keepers. Oh, yes we do. Keeping moments and memories in our hearts and our minds. Keeping hopes and prayers on our lips. Keeping joy and grief in our hands as we bear witness to the daily transformations taking place across years. But try as we might, time keeps slipping and sliding, leaving us with those threads bunched in our fists.
 
So, Mama, I know. I know that as I tell you animatedly about how fast my littles are growing and changing before my eyes-  you look at me.  You look at me, your adult daughter, and see my eyes crinkle and lips turn up in that same smile you studied for years. You see a glimpse of the little girl you used to write lunch notes to and tuck in at night.
 
As I tell you about my babies holding my heart forever and ever- you see your baby holding your own heart.  You see me wrapped in a tapestry of love you’ve woven together with those collected threads, covering all years – past, present, and future.
 
That’s what I’m starting to understand, Mama.
 
Where time holds no authority when it comes to a Mama and her babies, love does. Because love?
 
A mama’s love transcends all time.
 
Thank you, Mama, for showing me how to love forever and for always.

Our Kids Deserve Moms Who Ask for Their Forgiveness

I forgot my daughter’s first kindergarten assignment today. Not like, it was the first time I forgot, no… it was her first assignment ever (really, my first assignment) and I forgot to do it. It was simple – take a picture of her getting ready for school and bring it by September 3rd. Noooo problem, I told myself when I read it in her folder last Friday. I’ll get it done this weekend.

LOL.

My little kinder girl reminded me on Monday – “Mom, I need to bring my picture in!”

“No, no. Not until Friday. We have time. But let’s go ahead and take it.” I said, still confident I’d successfully be putting a printed picture in her folder for her to take in on Friday.

We took the pictures. Her pulling on her socks, backpack, and mask with exaggerated slowness so I could snap a couple pictures. Phew. Halfway there.

Wednesday came around, as it always does, and I was met with, “Maammmaaa, I need my picture!”

“Oh yes. I know. I’ll get it printed. You don’t need it until Friday, it’s ok.” My Wednesday-self reassured her as I bounced a crying baby and ushered her 3-yr old sister to the living room to get ready.

But. Then I slept for 3 hours Wednesday night because my sick 3month old was wheezing and coughing all night.

Sooooo when Thursday came around, I was running on caffeine and mom-power; y’all know that combo, right? So OF COURSE that’s when I found out my work had messed up my return from maternity leave and I’d somehow been removed from the payroll so I’d essentially been working for free for the past month. And, OF COURSE, as I was sending emails to HR, the nurse from the kindergarten called and said my daughter had been directly exposed last week to a classmate who had tested positive with COVID. I started googling where to find a rapid test available in the city, wondering if all the urgent care wait times of “548 minutes” were accurate, and asking my husband if I should just have her skip gymnastics (her fav part of the week) and take her with me to the pediatrician appointment I had for our son in a few hours to beg them to test her while we were there. He picked her up from school and we played car swap in the driveway as I made it to the doctor only five minutes late.

I got work sorted, got 2 of my 3 kids tested for COVID (both negative, thankfully), gave my wheezing baby a few puffs from his newly prescribed inhaler and Tylenol for his double ear infections, fed my kids fabulously healthy Happy Meals – then put them all to bed. I promptly sat on the couch with some cookie dough and watched an episode of Scrubs with my husband before going to bed.

Enter this morning. “Mama, I need my picture.”

Ugh.

Mom-guilt smacked me full in the face.

“Sorry, I don’t have it. I forgot and I don’t have it.”

“But, I need it! I’m supposed to have it!”

“I know, but I don’t have it. Tell your teacher I forgot and I’ll bring it later.” My voice starting to rise.

“But maaammmaaaa.”

“I’ve had a hard week! I can’t do everything for all of you all of the time!!!!”

Ugh.

It just came out. Mom of the year over here…

Her quiet little voice spoke up, “It’s not for me, it’s for my teacher…”

“I know, I’m sorry. I’ll go get it printed and drop it off, ok? It’ll be ok.” I felt my face get hot and my eyes start to burn as my husband left to drop her and her little sister off at their respective schools for the day.

I felt terrible guys- this was not my best parenting moment. This was not the social media worthy moment of love and affection between mother and daughter.

Was the picture a big deal? No, absolutely not. I messaged her teacher, had the picture printed at CVS, and dropped it off to her school all before her teacher even responded with, “No worries, I’ll be accepting pictures all month.”

But it was the fact I had forgotten. I’d disappointed my little girl who loves school and wants so badly to please her teacher, and then lashed out in anger when what I was really feeling was guilt for forgetting, overwhelm with the whole week, frustration with myself for not being able to do it all, and mostly – exhaustion.

Parenting? Is hard. Being a parent to small children in the middle of an on-going, no-end in sight, pandemic? Is very hard.

And I felt it this past week. And I’ll likely feel it again. And again. And again.

When juggling kids, work, a marriage, household chores, church small group meetings, extracurricular activities, etc. … Sometimes, assignments are going to be forgotten. Kids are going to get sick. Dinner is going to come from a drive-thru window. Work reports are going to be rushed. Pajamas are going to be worn to daycare. Showers are going to be fast. Laundry piles will be mountainous. Sleep will be seldom. And yes, tempers will be short. Words will be said in tones or intentions not rooted in love. These things will happen.

And apologies will need to be made.

As parents – we are NOT going to be perfect. We just aren’t. We can try our best, and be pretty darn great most of the time. But there are still going to be balls that get dropped from the juggling act we are doing on the daily. And sometimes, unfortunately, that dropping is going to be cause for apology to our kiddos. Not an angry, sassy, “Well, sorry – I don’t have it!” but a big hug after school and a, “I’m really sorry for forgetting your picture and for talking to you the way I did this morning. I was upset with myself, not you. Do you forgive me? And do you want some ice cream?”

I think it’s important that we acknowledge our humanness to our kids, and model humility by asking for their forgiveness when that humanness hurts their feelings.

It’s hard and uncomfortable and takes work. But our kids? They are so so worth it.

So, excuse me. I have to go get some ice cream ready for my girl. ❤

Your Last Day of Daycare is a Bittersweet Farewell

This is the part that gets me.

Come Monday morning, I’ll be rushing to get you and your younger siblings out the door and into the car so we can make it to the various drop off spots on time. I’ve been doing this routine for 5.5years now. Getting you ready, helping you get ready, and now- just telling you to get ready, loading up the car, and dropping you off to learn and play while I go to work. From drop off to pickup, we are apart for nine to ten hours a day.

So the twinge of leaving you or thinking of you being without me for a good chunk of the day? Doesn’t really twinge when I think of you starting Kindergarten in just two days.

Because you are a daycare kid.
From 11 weeks old until this very day- I’ve dropped you off and picked you up in this exact parking lot, five days a week.

Five and a half years ago, I walked through that door with you in my arms as a new little baby- my arms laden with too many bottles of pumped milk (because I didn’t know how many you’d need) and my spirit laden with worry about my first baby spending her day with strangers.

Today, you’ll bound out of that door, a full on kid- your long arms laden with art projects and your spirit laden with confidence because you’ve spent not just the day, but years, with people who know you and love you.

Those people fed you bottle after bottle when I wasn’t there to feed you myself. They helped you learn to walk and caught you when you fell – wiping away tears as my proxy. They taught you to spell your name and count to 100. I came to recognize the phone number that accompanied the familiar voice on the other end saying, “Not an emergency Mom, but…” informing me of yet another tumble you took from the playground, or of another “incident” you had with a friend.

These people that started off as strangers in a strange building became the faces and names you’d come to tell me about on the daily, in the place you’d come to think of as a second home.

My strong, emotional, wild-child of a girl. You are who you are because of genes, and your dad and my parenting, of course. But you are also who you are because of this place. Because of these wonderful people who not only let you be who you are, but encouraged it with love. And I know you won’t remember a lot of these first 5years when you grow up. But oh man, I will.

As your Mama, I’ll remember the complete relief I felt after realizing the people at your daycare not only kept you safe and fed, but happy and loved as well. I’ll remember the peace I had dropping you off day after day, being able to go to work and do my job without wondering how you were being treated all day. I’ll remember the excitement and joy on your face in the pictures and videos I received during the day from your teachers and the smile on mine in return.

So, on Monday, as you start your new adventure in Kindergarten, where you will learn all the things and make all the new friends, I’ll not be emotional that you’re growing up and leaving the house. Because you’ve been doing that for years.

It’s this part that gets me about this Kindergarten thing.
Your last day at this place that has come to feel like an extension of my love for you. A place filled with people I’ve trusted with you, my greatest joy, for five years.

So my love, if you climb in the van this afternoon after walking through that door for the very last time, and see that my eyes are puffy, know that I’m praying your next place will be as safe and secure for you as this one has been.

Because as your Mama, that’s all I really want for you. To feel loved and secure wherever you are, even if I can’t be there too.

Mama arms are strong, but Mama hearts are stronger

Mama arms are strong.
They carry and carry, lift and lift.
Making sure babies are held and toddlers corralled.
Muscles defined like never before.

Mama arms are strong.
They carry and carry, lift and lift.
Making sure lunches are made and backpacks are packed.
Loaded with bags as she heads out the door.

Mama arms are strong.
They carry and carry, lift and lift.
Making sure sheets are bought and pictures are hung.
Embracing in the dorm as she whispers, “Just one more”.

Mama arms are strong.
They carry and carry, lift and lift.
Making sure wedding details are sorted and hearts are at peace.
Wiping her eyes as the pair grace the dance floor.

Mama arms are strong.

But one day those physical arms won’t be needed to carry, won’t be able to lift.

And that is just fine.
Because those strong Mama arms?
They do their job well, but they merely represent.

Represent the strength and love of a Mama’s heart.

Because Mama hearts –
They carry and carry, lift and lift.

Carrying their babies close forever, no matter how big.
Lifting their love to the heavens to pour down on their kids, no matter how far.

Mama arms are strong, but only because the love in Mama hearts is far stronger.

And that strength lasts for always.

The sanctification process that is the postpartum period

sanc·ti·fy (v)

present participle- sanctifying

Webter’s Dictionary defines this word as:

“set apart as or declare holy; consecrate”

“to impart or impute sacredness, inviolability, or respect to”

“to purify”

I gave birth to my third baby two and a half weeks ago so I am in the throes of the postpartum period – or the 4th trimester, as it’s often called.

Diapers overflow the trashcans in basically every room.

Spit up is on virtually every shirt I own, and every onesie he wears.

Giant pads still grace our bathroom, alongside the squirt bottle sitting next to the toilet.

Stitches, not yet dissolved, a physical reminder of the force a 10lb6oz baby has when making his way through the birth canal and into the world head-first.

Lanolin cream stashed in all the common nursing spots, to hopefully prevent the cracks and blood that accompanied my previous two nursing journeys.

Sleep coming in two to three hour stretches, bleary eyes half open as I answer the midnight cries of the babe by my bedside.

This is not my first time experiencing the postpartum period.

But, it is my first time seeing it as sanctifying.

“To purify.”

As I rock my sweet babe in the middle of the night, clad in giant pad and spit-up crusted nursing tank – I am being purified.

As I sit out from the pool until my stitches have healed, with my guy strapped to my chest, perfect lips trembling in the way only newborn lips can – I am being purified.

As I do the tenth load of laundry in a week, in between cuddles and snuggles, the scent of laundry soap mixing with that distinct baby smell that only lasts so long – I am being purified.

As work is put on hold, the general busyness of life comes to a slow crawl, but the hours in the day are long and repetitive – I am being purified.

As I have to tell my daughters I can’t play with them right now, but witness them dote lovingly on their brother – I am being purified.

Purified from selfishness. My body, time, and energy are devoted to caring for the wee one that depends on me for survival.

Purified from pride. Motherhood is the ultimate humbler, reminding me I can’t do it all and help is to be accepted.

Purified from busyness. Slowness is forced upon me, and it is a gift.

Purification and sanctification.

So, yes, this 4th trimester? It is intense. It is messy. It is painful. It is exhausting.

But, oh. It is healing. It is beautiful. It is love-filled.

It is sacred.

And for it, I am exceedingly thankful.

Babies aren’t babies for long, so I’m gonna hold this last one a little bit longer.

My first baby and my almost-here-3rd-baby.

There’s something surreal about discovering your first baby’s first loose tooth the same week you hit 38weeks of pregnancy with your 3rd baby.

Like, that first baby tooth could fall out the very same week that 3rd baby is born.

A wide gap tooth smile meeting a gummy one- one kid already having outgrown the very tooth the other has yet to even begin to grow.

The unexpected full circle-ness hit me in the gut as I stared at my “baby”’s excited face right as I felt a tiny fist punch me in the hip.

Just one more shock to the heart and confirmation that my first baby is slowly, but much too quickly, putting more and more distance between who she is now and the day when she resided safely in my body.

That distance will just keep growing, as she starts Kindergarten the same week the new little one will go to daycare for the first time – in 4 short months.

I stare at her as she dances with so much fire and personality in our living room- with more rhythm than I’ve ever had- and see her as the couple week old baby who couldn’t keep her pudgy legs from moving to the beat.

I watch her help her two-year old sister “do gymnastics” in the backyard and clearly remember her curly little head jumping courageously from the stairs as an unusually coordinated toddler, demonstrating the fearlessness she still exhibits today.

I see these things happening as I rub my, now huge, belly and can’t help but think God knew what He was doing when he graced us with this new little guy – right when He did.

I’ll have a new tiny sidekick to rock and read “That’s not my Monkey” to, as my big girl starts to read books on her own.

I’ll experience the joy of watching wobbly legs take their first steps as I watch long, strong legs walk confidently across the balance beam at gymnastics.

I’ll have one more time of experiencing the all encompassing dependence on me, right as my first born needs me less and less.

With this almost-here-3rd baby, I’ll experience his firsts and know just how incredibly special and fleeting they are. Marveling in a way I didn’t know to with my first baby’s firsts, and didn’t have the time or energy to with my second baby’s firsts.

And as his little baby teeth start to pop through those pink gums, I’ll see a glimpse of the future as I look over at his big sister and see her first grown up tooth popping up at the same time.

I’ll see these things and feel my heart burst with pride and love and all the things a Mama heart feels as she watches her babies grow up before her eyes.

And I’ll squeeze that new little baby even harder, and hold him a little longer.

Because I know first hand how fast my babies lose that title of “baby” to everyone but me.